You know, when you’re born, you start breathing, and unless something goes terribly wrong, you keep doing it until you die, even if you do it through some occasional congestion or ailment. Your excretory system, digestive system, cardiovascular system, all start working pretty promptly and, again, barring some ailment, quit when the credits roll to the end. They don’t just start when you’re 11 and make you crazy and then just quit working properly when you’re 53 and make you crazy again. But OK. Enough. Suppose we just accept that there IS a biological system that starts and stops while you’re still alive. Can’t it just start and stop, like a freaking stoplight? Green, go, yellow, wait a second oops! a baby popped out, red, stop, that’s the end, finito for chrissake. But NO no no no no. It can’t be that simple. It has to be OH what a lovely day JESUS look what’s happening in the Middle East wait! how sweet you are to do that for me – God, what assholes people are! Get me a gun! Gee, I feel great today, I think I’ll go work out. God – I feel terrible and crampy. Maybe I have cancer. Maybe I’m going to die! Gosh, I feel 16 again…look at that guy! Shit, he’s 25 omigod now I’m so embarrassed. Oh geez, I ate a piece of celery and gained 3 pounds. This line at the supermarket sucks! It’s taking so long! What the hell! Can’t they see I’m…Oh, what a sweet little puppy – I think I’m going to cry- - - aren’t there any Kleenex in here? What a terrible place – and it’s so cold in here…it’s so hot…I’m sweating…damn you, you pulled my blanket off! I hate you! I love you! I have the best job in the world! My job sucks! Can’t you be patient with me? I’m only 13. I mean 53. I mean – what do I mean? What was your name again?
Is it possible to just knock yourself out with Vicodin and wake up when you’re 60? For God’s sake people! This sucks!
And don’t hand me some crap about this all being the result of some glamorous Neanderthal’s obsession with an apple. It’s some catastrophic combination of magic and biology. You want a weapon of mass destruction?
2 comments:
ROFLMAO. I'm so sorry to be laughing at your expense, but this post is too damn funny.
Oh, the things I have to look forward to!
Hang in there. And don't shoot.
Ugh Gurl ANYTIME you want to get together and be mad black women im up for it. We can sit down, eat a mountain of dark chocolate and stare at 25 yr olds all day long :)
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