No Results

In the past few days the story of 11th century Tibetan saint Milarepa keeps coming to mind (biography can be found at http://www.cosmicharmony.com/Av/Milarepa/Milarepa.htm.)

Milarepa is known for reaching enlightenment in one lifetime despite having accumulated a hell of a lot of wretched karma by picking off a bunch of people through his skill at sorcery (see biography above.) He’s also known for his “hundred thousand songs,” gorgeous dharma poems which he supposedly composed and sang extemporaneously (shades of Hildegard von Bingen, who was about 30 years younger than Milarepa but was alive at the same time.) These are still sung today; in fact, I’ve heard a few of them sung, in Tibetan.

Because of his dark past, Milarepa could only achieve enlightenment through a rigorous course of karmic purification. The poor guy just got one ass-kicking after another, particularly from his heart-teacher Marpa, who made him do things like build a series of buildings and then knock them down, put the stones back where he found them, and start again. Poor Milarepa just about lost his mind trying to figure out why Marpa made him go through all these hardships, and then each time Marpa would tell Milarepa that he wouldn’t give Milarepa the dharma teachings until Milarepa accomplished some other impossible thing.

That’s the part that I just can’t stop thinking about: having to do stuff over and over again, and still not attaining whatever wisdom / skill / recognition you’re trying to gain. Marpa eventually tells Milarepa the reason: Marpa put him through all these changes because it was the only way Milarepa could purify all his rotten karma and reach the state of enlightenment he so fervently desired.

To my knowledge, I haven’t conjured up any fatal hailstorms or giant scorpions in the last 53 years, but I must have done some incredibly dumb shit in this life or a previous one, because I keep having to do stuff over and over again; or just when I think that I’m finished with something, I have to either do something additional or start again. It feels sometimes as though, for my entire life, I have been getting the message that although I may be pretty good at this and that, I’m never quite good enough. Hell, I remember crying over this when I was twelve years old, and here I am still doing it, to the point where I’m no longer sure what constitutes “good,” never mind “enough.” I’ve heard this message in so many ways that I don’t know where to begin. Either I can’t seem to get to a certain point with some task, skill, project or endeavor, OR there’s some authority figure telling me that in order to either go to the next level or avoid some sort of catastrophic failure, I have to bring them the broomstick of the goddam Wicked Witch of the West.

It’s always at the peak of these times, when I feel ready to just throw in the towel, that someone inevitably suggests that it’s my own fault. Today I was informed that I have a “defeatist attitude.” After I got over feeling angry and hurt, and thinking about it for awhile, I’ve concluded that my friend is genuinely picking up on something real, but I don’t think it’s being accurately described as defeatist. I think, rather, that some people suffer from a syndrome that I’d like to call “occasional motivational paralysis.” The causes can be manifold, but I honestly think that one of the root causes of this syndrome is a debilitating inability to believe that one’s efforts or actions will actually have any result or effect. It is my own belief that this state of mind contributes to a multitude of syndromes, including depression, discouragement, fatigue, artistic blocks, procrastination, and the seeming inability to finish projects. I believe that it also may be the root of the problem for people who appear to have no “discipline” – people who can’t seem to bring themselves to practice, exercise, get up at the same time every morning, or any other thing that requires some sort of conviction in one’s own ability to act in an effective way. These unfortunates (of whom I am the poster child) DO actually often feel blocked or defeated by insurmountable circumstances, which comes across to others as “defeatist,” or foisting the responsibility onto some outside force – but in truth, we secretly blame ourselves, and harshly at that. The honest fact is that we don’t really believe in our own power, be it personal, physical, spiritual, artistic, or anything else, and our motivation takes a direct hit. This sometimes comes across as laziness: “well, you know Johnny Doe; if he can’t accomplish something right away he doesn’t want to do it anymore.” That’s not quite accurate. Johnny has lost the conviction in his ability to do it, and it hurts too much to try any more.

The problem is compounded when this irresistible force meets an immovable object, and the person with motivational paralysis encounters a situation or person(s) that is, in fact, actually obstructive. What usually happens next can be stated in one word: Nothing. Everything grinds to a standstill unless and until a crisis arises. The problem is that in many cases, a crisis does arise, and the issue that brought this irresistible force together with this immovable object doesn’t go away – it just keeps reoccurring, and the motivationally-challenged person has to go through the process again, which confirms their deeply held conviction that they are pretty much ineffectual—and so it goes, repeatedly “wasting time and annoying the pig,” as the saying goes.

I’ve now thought about this all day, and I can only think of one way to deal with it—one that I am not good at (oops, there goes the hamster wheel again.) Here is the remedy: find an old Zen guy to whack you repeatedly over the head with a stick and scream No Results! at you. If you suffer from motivational paralysis because you don’t believe that your efforts will yield results – whether because of circumstances or your own incompetence – then you simply have to stop giving a shit about results.

This may seem nihilist. It is NOT.









“Who’s the %$#@ nihilist here?
What are you, a bunch of #$^%@ crybabies?”


It is rather, as one Zen teacher said, about “showing up for the impossible.” It is the revolutionary notion that the effort IS the result; that effort and result are not cause and effect, but are in fact a unified entity.

If I think about that hard enough, perhaps – perhaps – it will transform itself from something that I understand intellectually to something I believe in my gut. Not sure how to do that yet. In the meantime, I guess Milarepa will keep hauling the stones to the wall.